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When one thinks of Mariah Carey, a few descriptions quickly come to mind: Mariah, the voice; Mariah, the diva; Mimi, the misunderstood, "eternally 12" eccentric. And while all three of those are perfectly appropriate ways to describe the (disputed) best selling female artist of all time, I'd like to propose a fourth designation: Mariah Carey, the ridiculously hilarious lyrical genius.
Even at the beginning of her career, when she was known more for powerful love ballads than the upbeat, remix-ready collaborations with rappers that have since helped to define her, Mariah Carey's songs were written more to showcase her legendary voice than to convey a story. Consequently, the lyrics to her records took a backseat to her vocal acrobats and, unfortunately, often still do. But they shouldn't -- at least not anymore -- because they're AMAZING.
In his review of Mariah's new album, Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, Rich Juzwiak describes the difference between "Old Mariah" and "New Mariah," noting that "the line was drawn around the time of 1997's Butterfly, when her look became sexier, her music became more beat-driven...and her ultra-femme, sassy, slangy, ridiculous persona unfolded." As New Mariah emerged, she began to exercise more control over her music (a natural evolution for someone with proven success and, consequently, less people to answer to) and -- as Peggy Noonan would say -- let her freak flag fly. The best thing about New Mariah, in my opinion, is the fact that her songs often now include lyrics for the ages, little snippets of quotable heaven, so bad that they're good. (Really, really good.) As Juzwiak puts it, "Old Mariah sang songs that no one else could sing, while New Mariah sings songs that no one else would sing." These days, it's almost as if Mariah writes the lyrics to her songs whilst thinking to herself, "What kind of crazy shit can I put in here, get away with, and still make a record that people will want to listen to and buy?" This is no clearer anywhere than on her latest studio effort, in which nearly every track has at least one golden nugget of lyricism.
So, without further ado, I present to you my choices for the 10 most ridiculous lyrics on Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel (with a couple of combination picks, as I simply couldn't narrow it down any more than I already had):
10. From Ribbon: "Boy, I'm all wrapped up in you, you make me feel so unloose."
9. From Obsessed: "You're a mom and pop, I'm a corporation, I'm the press conference, you're a conversation."
8. From It's a Wrap: "Bump-bump-bump-bump, out in the open, don't make me go call Maury Povich."
7. From Candy Bling: "I'm the same Mimi, fame ain't changed me, butterfly flow like Muhammad Ali, wish I could bring you back like the O.D.B."
6. From Obsessed: "He's all up in my George Foreman."
5. From It's a Wrap: "Put all your shit in the elevator, it's goin' down like a denominator."
4. From The Impossible: "Love ya like free money, like a preacher loves Sunday, love ya like freeze pop, love ya like a milkshake."
Also, from the same song: "Love ya like kool-aid, Louis millionaire shades, love like sugar daddys, love ya like a pimp Caddy, love ya like a holiday, Duncan Hines yellow cake...love ya like layin' in a bed bumpin' Jodeci."
3. From More Than Just Friends: "We could spend a couple milly actin' silly in Milano, boy, hit your horn beep beep I'll follow, have your whip in my driveway by tomorrow, secretly I know you wanna hit it like the lotto, and after that we can ketcup like tomato."
Also, from the same song: "Boy, you got me all mixed up like Serato, you got me spinnin' round for ya like a lil' model, steady fiendin', boy, you like them fries at McDonald's, I wanna be all on your lips like gelato, permanently paint me in your picture like Picasso, love me down 'til I hit the top of my soprano."
2. From Betcha Gon' Know (The Prologue): "This is for real, for real, for real, Oprah Winfrey whole segment, for real, for real, 20/20 Barbara Walters, for real, for real, 60 Minutes for real."
1. From Up Out My Face: "Cause when I break, I break, I break, and no super glue can fix this shhh, when I break, I break, I break, not even a welder and a builder can rebuild this shhh, when I break, I break, I break, not even a nail technician with a whole lotta gel and acrylic can fix this, when I break, I break, if we were two lego blocks, even the Harvard University graduating class of 2010 couldn't put us back together again."
--
And there you have it!
Have anything to add to the discussion? Disagree with the order of my choices? Think I included a lyric that didn't deserve to be in the Top 10? Believe that I overlooked a certain lyric and should have put it in the list? Feel free to hash it all out in the comments.
Don't you love when your old friend from elementary/middle/high school that lives in another state calls you and lets you know that she'll be in town for a week and wants to see you? Doesn't it sound so fun? You can reminisce on childhood memories, visit her house and see what her family has been up to, go out to the bar and have a couple of drinks, and then say goodbye for the night and make plans for the rest of the week. Sounds perfect, doesn't it?
You know what sucks? When said friend goes to the bar with you and tries to hook up with a douchebag, and then expects you to be there for her, hours later.
This happened to me tonight.
My BFF is in town for a week from NYC. Better, she was in LA for a while a couple of months ago and became fast friends with my obsession -- ADAM LAMBERT!!!!!!! -- and so she had some good stories to tell.
I'm now going to post a picture of her and Adam, mostly so that the one I post next isn't so horrible (she's on the right):
Anyway... so tonight we went out and had a good time and this and that and I got some insider info on mah boo Adam, etc. -- until some frat boy asshole started talking to her. After that? Nothing, except for the occasional "Can you find me a cigarette?" or "Can I bring my friend back to your place and do you have booze?" type question.
She decided to go home with the frat boy and, despite all of my advice, was incredibly confident in her decision. So, if you were me, you'd assume that she had a great night with the guy and would call you to check in the next day, right?
No! She realized an hour later that the whole thing was a mistake and begged for me to rescue her:
Well, what do you know? Drunk girl made a mistake and now expects her BFF to be the knight in shining armor! Not cool. That said, and as much as I may have wanted to teach her a lesson, of course I went and got her.
She is now resting comfortably on my second couch, hopefully sleeping away the memories of the guy that she tried to get ~all up on~ just a few hours ago. I don't want anything back from her, and I'd never ask for a favor in return, because the fact that I was able to snap a picture like this of her on my couch is payment enough for any of her indiscretions:
Don't hate me, darling.
Plus, the Michigan blanket suits you well. GO BLUE!
Have you ever had one of those sudden realizations that you were addicted to something? And worse, an addiction to something that you would have never thought of as dangerous, were it not for your impetuous recognition of it?
This happened to me today. I was at the market getting a couple of things to eat. When I walked in, I had no intention of buying anything other than food. Soon thereafter, I found myself walking down the pet food aisle and picking up a couple of random treats for my dogs, Leo and Petey; dog treats, however, are not the addiction I'm talking about (though I'd be happy with that one). My "fix" was in the next aisle over... household cleaners.
Allow me to illustrate:
I snapped this picture with my iPhone once I had unloaded my cart onto the checkout conveyor belt. You may notice the usual suspects: sushi, a Styrofoam takeout box (filled with a delicious panini sandwich), things of that nature. But if you focus in on the upper-left hand area of the belt, you'll notice a couple of other items. The first: Tide Total Care detergent, which helps you reveal the ~seven signs of beautiful clothes~ and what not. The second: Purex Complete 3-in-One laundry sheets. Cooincidence? No.
I'm a uber-consumer at best, a buy-anything-I-see advertising whore at worse. Either way, I believe I've managed to snatch up every single "new" household cleaning product in the last five or so years, and my purchase usually happens after seeing a TV commercial for said product. The newest Swiffer invention? Check. Mr. Clean's latest innovation? Of course. Every single air freshener known to man? Yes, I've bought it.
I suppose this wouldn't be so much of a problem if I had actually used any of the aforementioned products at some point. But no, I buy them and then throw them into the cleaning closet, forgetting about them as they await their inevitable trip to the Island of Misfit Toilet Bowl Cleansers. I say to myself that I'll want them one day, someday; that I'll have a couple of hours to spare and an itch to scrub and that I'll use all of these products in some grand orgy of cleansing; alas, I know that day will (most likely, God willing) never come.
Until then, I sure as hell could use to get rid of a detergent container... or eight. Any takers?
Hello!
My name is Matt Cherette, and this is my blog.
A little bit about me...
You may probably don't know me as the fake Dina Lohan "prankster" on Twitter. Oftentimes, Dina has difficulty with Twitter's 140 character limit and believes she is being censored by "tech support." She also enjoys giving Bible lessons to her followers (including those from her top Biblical hero, Gahndi), drinking non-Celestial Seasonings green tea, and fighting off the "HATERS." If you're interested in learning more about Dina, click here to go right to the source.
I'm a moderator of OhNoTheyDidn't (or ONTD), the celebrity gossip community on LiveJournal. I also have a personal LJ of my own that's mostly for friends and details the boring day to day type things of my life, like what I made for dinner or what cool things my dogs did.
I also have a personal Twitter account, as well as a Tumblr.
I'm 24 years old. I was born, raised and currently reside in western Michigan, but took extended vacations to attend both The George Washington University in Washington, DC and the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor (where I majored in English and minored in Political Science). I currently work in real estate development and am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
I love entertainment, media and pop culture -- can't get enough of it. Movies, TV, music, publishing, blogs, gossip... everything, basically. I also love news/current events, politics, (some) sports, writing, food, technology, fashion (but only the spending too much money at Neiman Marcus part of it), finance, and much more.
Which brings me to the reason that I created this blog in the first place. I love to write, but have never really had a platform to do so in a more broad way than blogging about celebrities on ONTD or rambling about my personal life in my LJ. So, duh, why not create something separately from LJ that allows me to write about whatever I want and hope that people find some of it interesting? Seems simple enough.
I think that's about it. I'm not quite sure yet what I'll write about here, but I hope that it will be entertaining enough for you to come back and see WHAT MATT SAID. (Ha!)
So for now, my friends, I bid you aideu with a picture of me sporting my Little Edie Beale t-shirt, and promise to be back soon:
